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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Supah Freakeh Bagels

They're supah freakeh olololololololololololo

badgers smile smiles.

jesus was a turtle and he gave little kiddies rides to the fair in the fall. then he ate a sandwich that he made with peanut butter and bacon.

hi e'erybody. yarr. me a pirate. i found this blog again so now im gonna post. this blog gave me a couple laughs. oh who am i kidding, this blog is the greatest thing ever! forever never ever for ever. i laughed so much because it was great. it was great cause it was funny. the end.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Reward

The reward in The Landing was the end. I can't properly explain how rewarded I felt after reading the entire novel! I was liek, "man that was good stuf." The authour really put a lot of effort into making this a worthwhile nov-
eugh.

ow, I just broke my sarcasm gland. The Landing still sucks,

Approach to the Inmost Cave

As you may already know, based on past posts, I'm going to talk about how The Landing lacks all major journey elements, "approach to the inmost cave" included. But to mix things up, I'm going to talk about how The Landing is a great example of quality literature!

At a glance, it is easy to see that The Landing is written excellently (is that a word). The characters are richly developed, plotlines are well told, and emotions practically jump off the page. When the main character, Ben, must approach the inmost cave, you can feel the intensity of his fear, the adjectives and metaphors used to describe his feelings in the novel are simply astounding.
Anyway, the inmost cave in my favourite novel is the- it's...

screw it, the novel sucks,

Friday, May 21, 2010

Tests, Enemies, Allies

The Landing makes me smile.



lol jk

Friday, May 14, 2010

Pancakes and Maple Syrup, a Boatload of Fun

Why the unusual title? I'd like to think that by using a creative blog post name, I can create an interesting post about good things and bad in an inspiring way. Man. I love pancakes. It's like a cake, except you bake it on a stove. Or a toaster, if you decide to use freezer made pancakes. The syrup shouldn't be too sticky nor too runny. Syrup is good on anything.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Refusing the Call to Adventure

Before we go over the refusal of adventure, we should probably go over the actual adventure in The Landing. The adventure in The Landing consists of...
sorry, I need some time to think this over. It's hard to find something exciting in a book that sucksssssss.

Okay, I got it. The adventure in this novel is Ben's journey is getting out of the Landing (cottage land) and into the city life. Ben refuses this adventure. He never even tries. How exciting. A bratty, stingy, inconsiderate, depressed, annoying, overdramatic, pessimistic 16 year old says no to his adventure- the entire time.

"I can't get out"

...great. THANKS FOR WRITING A NOVEL ENTIRELY BASED ON DEPRESSION AND THE REFUSAL OF DOING SOMETHING EXCITING. IT MAKES FOR AN EXCITING READ EVERY SINGLE TIME. I LOVE THE LANDING, IT MAKES ME HAPPY WHEN I READ IT.
Let's backtrack now. "...ENTIRELY BASED ON DEPRESSION..." (Spanish Blog, Woodley). Smoking is linked to depression and mental conditions in a very large way. 90% of schizophrenics smoke, and over 50% of depressed people smoke. Clearly, the author is trying to make anyone who reads his novel begin a life shortening habit by becoming depressed, and resorting to the nicotine in cigarrettes to become happy. Mr. Ibbitson is attempting to start a smoking epidemic through literature.

Sickening.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Mr. Bean- Literature at it's best

We all know who Mr. Bean is. A hilarious British guy that does silly stuff and makes everybody laugh (unless you like The Landing, in which case you must hate everything). The world has been bestowed upon a great honour. The Mr. Bean series. This series consists of 14 thirty minute episodes, all chalk full of hilarious antics. In 1997, Rowan Atkinson raised the bar for comedy by releasing BEAN: The Movie. Easily the greatest achievement in film ever achieved by anyone in forever. I died laughing, luckily, imma kitteh. 8 lives left.

Now, some of our more obnoxious readers will have noticed the title of this post, "Mr. Bean- Literature at it's best". You're thinking, "Mr. Bean isn't a story". And you're right. It's a legacy. A legacy that has inspired billions. We should all try to be more like Mr. Bean, whether it's by using autmoatic weapons to turn off the lights, or by throwing toy sheep at Baby Jesus dolls (watch the Christmas episode -.-). If we all could at least try to become a Bean ourselves, then maybe, just maybe, the world could come together in a peaceful manner.

I thank you, Rowan Atkinson. I thank you Mr. Bean. I'd also like to thank The Academy. This was a great year for film. Thank you to James, you've been a great director; you're crazy, but you make a lot of money. I can't believe I won an award for Best Actor even though all I did was attempt a series of physical actions that would later be recreated in digital format on a computer! I'm sorry *sniffs*, I think I might cry. Well, it looks like I'm running out of time. I'm going to let Ben Stiller come do a bad joke mocking the film now. Bye!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Character Analysis- Eva in Freedom Writers

Throughout the film, Freedom Writers, the students all become new people. They change significantly because of the environment Ms. Gruwell has create for them, and their own determination.
Eva, one of the students, learns that she has more independence and potential for freedom. At the beginning, Eva follows her gang, doing what they do, making sure that she doesn't anger anyone in her racial group. By listening to Ms. Gruwell's teachings, she finds that there doesn't need to be a war between races, and stands up for what she thinks is right, regardless if her gang approves or not. Eva was originally stubborn, refusing to do schoolwork, and didn't see the point of it all, but again, through her forced education, she found that school was the key to freedom.
Eva changed a lot through the film, she learned of important moral values, and how to be her own person.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Crossing the Threshold...

Ben's ordinary world consists of a crappy house, a mean uncle, and a housewife-widow-mother. Ben crosses the threshold into a new world when he...
he... um... goes on a biblical adventure... ? (only french students would understand that huh-lay-ree-us joke)
Let's review the plot and see where Ben crosses the threshold:
1. Bad musical reaction
2. A dumb chapter
3. A rich person comes and wants them to fix the cottage
4. They fix the cottage
5. Ben gets drunk
6. Hangover
7. Ben cries
8. Ben gets on a boat
9. The uncle dies
10. Ben cries again
11. His mom packs their stuff
12. They leave for Toronto where they will live in poverty

So I guess going to Toronto counts as crossing the threshold into the new world, but we never even get to read about the new world. So in theory, The Landing is only a seventh of a novel. Does this mean there will be a sequel? I can't wait.

I'm not completely satisfied with this explanation, so by using complex algorithms, I'm going to find the real threshold.
e=3x^2
threshold=e^6x
threshold=t
t=a book that sucks

Limiting Beliefs

The Landing is all about limiting beliefs. From beginning to end, the characters just can't stop talking about limiting beliefs. I mean, really, shut up! As interesting as it is, I don't want to read an entire book about how some bratty 16 year old whines every day because he is stuck in Muskoka.

"We have been living in cottage country all our lives. We can't get out."
A couple paragraphs later.
"Being stuck here sucks..."
A sentence later.
"Ugh"
A chapter later.
"Muskoka is like a box of chocolates. You're stuck."

As you can see, the authour has done everything in his power to make the novel as boring as possible. References to limiting beliefs can be a key into how the character feels about their ordinary world, but basing the entire novel on this makes the reader feel depressed and annoyed.

Maybe, instead of complaining all day, Ben should actually do something with his life so he can get out of his ordinary world. But wait. That would involve making money, and like Ben says, "money suckssss, people underpay me". Heartbreaking.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Tis a Sonnet

Media has taken over the world
Transforming teens into something they're not
"Perfection" is what teenagers want most
Taking a toll on their young fragile minds

TV has made a false reality
Creating a new way we see the world
A poison, a virus, mind altering
The real you is never quite good enough
  
From ads and TV and peer pressure too
Being yourself isn't easy to do

Friday, April 16, 2010

The English Blog

As you all know, this is Dylan's Spanish Blog. Unfortunately most of my readers do not share the Mexican heritage I have. To accomodate for this inconvenience I will be posting all of my posts in actual English (instead of Spanish like it is now) on the English Blog. If you speak English more fluently than Spanish, than head over to Dylan's English Blog!
For more information, contact me at 867-5309

The Hero of The Landing

Last month, I had the displeasure of reading The Landing. Last week, I had the pleasure of reading Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell. You know what that means!? No more posts about The Landing!! Right there, site traffic increased 700%! Great news can really pull in an audience!
But here's the bad news. Blink is non-fiction, so it does not apply to the blog post themes. I will continue to post about The Landing. Right there, 80% of the 700% of the 100% turned off their computers in horror, while the other 20% experienced severe mental trauma.
Anyway, today's post is about heroes. The Landing is full of heroic characters, from the grumpy uncle to the housewife widow (housewidow?). I'll start (and end) with Ben, a 16 (or 17, possibly 15, I have no reference, I threw the novel into a fireplace after reading) year old boy (or girl, possibly hermit, I have no reference, I threw the novel into a fireplace after reading) that plays the bagpipes (i.e. fiddle) and fixes cottages over the summer. What are his heroic qualities you ask? Here's a few.
-Incessant whining
-Bad music interests
-Overdramatic
-Plays the bagpipes (i.e. fiddle)
-Chatty
-Shy
-Pessimist
-Iliterate (spelled incorrectly because I am iliterate)
-Stingy
-Inconsiderate
-Lazy
-Vengeful
-Rebellious
-Annoying
-Depressed
-Dull
-Impolite
-dumb
-Rude
-Purple
-Lonely
-Short
-Evil
-Villainous
-Gullible
-Aggressive

So is Ben a villain? I'll let you decide.



But the answer's yes.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Archetypes

A hero always wins.
A mentor is always an old Japanese man.
A threshold guardian always sucks at guarding.
A herald is never stereotypical.
A shapeshifter never shapeshifts.
A shadow always loses.
A trickster can't tell good jokes.

-Dylan

Friday, March 26, 2010

Character Archetypes- The Missing Link

I'm sorry to do this, I really am. I have another post about The Landing. Don't feel as though you have to read this post, because I know how much everyone dislikes this book (RottenTomatoes.com rates it at only 4%). Nevertheless, until I read another book (so, like, 7 months), all my reading related posts will be about The Landing.

Now that I have caught (and most likely lost) your attention, I will get to the point of it. There are a number of archetypes that can be found in characters in many novels. Heroes, villains, sidekicks, you see them in stories all the time. You might be wondering, "Where is the hero in The Landing?", and to answer your question, Ben, the fiddle playing teenager is the hero. He fights villains and destroys evil on a daily basis (haha, no). Let's go down the list of archetypes, and associate each one with a character.

Hero- Ben, because 16 year old fiddle players were considered heroes in The Great Depression.
Mentor- Ben's mother, just because she is Ben's mom.
Threshold Guardian- Umm...
Herald- The Cold War
Shapeshifter- That one superhero that shapeshifts.
Shadow- Voldermort.
Trickster- Not that I laughed at the jokes or anything.

-Dylan

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A Connection

"Ben was hit by a moving wall of wind and water that sucked the breath out of his lungs and lifted him off his feet and flung him through the door of the cabin" (Ibbitson, The Landing pg 138).


The paragraphs that follow this excerpt continue to explain the storm and the boat capsizing. It may not look like it from the one sentence I posted, but the entire paragraph has a striking resemblence to the Titanic. Although the boat doesn't hit an iceberg, it does break and rotates to a 90 degree angle, almost exactly like the famous scenes from Titanic. The strange thing is that Ben and his uncle weren't on a massive oceanliner, they were on a small boat with a capacity of only a couple of people. I'm no boat expert, but I wasn't aware that tiny ships like these could sink Titanic style.



Either way, the scene from The Landing was very Titanic-esque, and was one of the few scenes that I instantly made a connection to while reading the novel.

Friday, March 5, 2010

The Landing- Review and Rant (Summary Too?)


Every year, a list of books is chosen to be a part of the Red Maple, Blue Spruce, Silver Birch, etc. Our Grade 9 class was going to read books from the White Pine, and after much despair and resistance, I finally chose a small book that I could finish quickly- The Landing.
I myself have never enjoyed the selections that The Forest of Reading has chosen. The stories are often bland, storytelling methods are dull, and characters uninteresting. The Landing, unsurprisingly, follows this pattern.
The book opens up with an orchestra and the worst reaction to music ever. Not even a chapter into the book and I am already wishing I never picked the book up.
I don't want to sound anti-literature, I can enjoy reading, I just need a good book. The opening chapter is, in my opinion, one of the most important chapters in the book. It needs to draw you into the book, not push you away from it.
I ignored this beginning, and kept reading the rest of the book. It turns out that the story is based in a small cottage village in Muskoka, and the protagonist is a 16 year old fiddle player. The boy lives with his uncle and mother, who constantly complain that it's impossible to leave their town. They do odd jobs for rich cottagers, and get paid half a dollar a day. Heartbreaking.
Then their fate changes when a rich cottager comes in and asks them to fix a cottage for her. You can already sense the plot twist. Ready? They fix the cottage! She pays Ben (the fiddle player) a couple dollars a day to complete grueling tasks, like painting the walls and fixing windows. Eventually she plays music on a record player, which makes Ben go crazy (all he talks about from this point on is her music). The topic of Ben's fiddle playing comes up, and again, the topic of being stuck in cottage land appears.
A couple chapters (all about Ben fixing the cottage) later, the rich cottager decides to throw a party, and Ben considers playing the fiddle for them (I'm sorry, I meant violin. Apparently he calls it this halfway through). The party arrives, and Ben mixes drinks and plays music. Square dancing music (he really should call it a fiddle if that's the genre he is going to play).
After the party, Ben gets drunk, and throws up in his families barn. Three days later, the drinking age law was established (you can smell the sarcasm). After his hangover the next day, Ben sits at home contemplating life and all it doesn't have to offer him (back to that topic again).
Ya da ya da ya da. A couple chapters (filled to the brim with whining from the main characters) later, Ben and his uncle get on a boat to go fix a cottage. Then a wave knocks over the boat, and in a Titanic-esque format (the boat capsizes then turns on it's port side to slowly sink in the water. Do you need a picture to see the resemblence? Ben's uncle ends up dieing, which again, uses a film cliché.
"Ben, go on without me."
Go on without him? He's on a sinking boat, where can he go?
When he returns home, Ben's mom starts packing to leave for Toronto. Remember when I told you how they complained how it was impossible to leave. It looks like the only hard part about leaving the landing was packing their stuff.

If your still reading this, I congratulate you. You have read a summary of The Landing with sarcastic commentary. If you simply skipped ahead to this final paragraph, I'll summarize The Landing quickly for you:



-Dylan

Friday, February 26, 2010

Never Judge a Book by it's Characters

Oh wait, you should


(Excerpt from The Landing)


The musicians picked up their instruments and-


Golly!


Easily one of the worst ways to react to music that I've heard in my lifetime. When was the last time anybody used the word golly? Never. That's when. Upon my original reading, I stopped, vomitted, then skipped the rest of the chapter. It took a lot of effort to continue the rest of The Landing, and only after a few more chapters lacking the English language's worst reactions was I able to push that writing blunder aside.


I am trying to help all other authors out there. Especially Canadians. The Landing is written by a Canadian author. It is easy to see that Canadians are better at winter sports than they are at potraying emotion through writing.


Nothing would please me more than to never hear the G word ever again. Ever. That's a warning for all authors out there. I am forwarding this post to Webster in hopes that the G word can officially be removed from the English language.


-Dylan

Monday, February 22, 2010

Never judge a book by it's movie

Just don't.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Hola,
Dos servesa por favor.

-Senor